[ad_1]
Disagreements and other tense moments are normal in healthy relationships. Difficult times are also normal, especially if you have been together for a long time. But what kind of problems justify a visit to a couples therapist?
The truth is that all types of relationships can get something out of therapy, Svea Wentzler, MA, a pre-licensed marriage and family therapist at A Better Life Therapy in Philadelphia tells SELF. “It’s a safe, private place to explore what works and what doesn’t,” Wentzler says. Additionally, “it can be difficult to hear feedback from your partners or friends, and an outside expert can point out patterns that you may not even know about,” she adds.
Besides the cliché of “saving a dying relationship,” there are many other situations that can lead people to call a professional. Here, seven couples therapists share a common problem they see in their sessions.
1. Trust is gone.
It’s probably no surprise that losing confidence its a big problem. “Infidelity has been the most common problem I have worked with,” Alyssa Calderon, LMFT, a couples counselor at North Brooklyn Marriage and Family Therapy in New York City tells SELF. “It is understandable that people panic after learning about a physical or mental problem. emotional betrayal and act quickly to get a therapist who can get your relationship ‘back on track,’” Calderón says.
There’s no quick fix for rebuilding that sense of security (and it’s not always possible), but joint therapy can allow a couple to dig deeper into the underlying issues that led to the betrayal in a safe, judgment-free environment, Calderón says.
This can also help you determine if moving forward together is really worth it. “Infidelity does not have to end in a breaking off,” she adds. “But it usually creates mistrust or lack of trust that needs to be addressed.”
2. A big life change, like getting married or starting a family, is on the horizon.
Again, therapy is not just for troubled relationships that are on the brink of collapse. Another less serious but completely valid reason to book some sessions: wanting to work on a major life change that is about to happen, Vanessa Braddentells SELF., owner of Lakeview Therapy Group in Chicago.
“I see that many people turn new parentsfor example, who want to navigate [preparing for] young children because they understand how complex and challenging the relationship can be,” says Bradden.
Other transitions a couples therapist can help with include moving in together, getting married, or becoming empty nesters. Career guidance can make these important but also daunting milestones seem a little more manageable, Bradden adds.
3. The arguments aren’t exactly productive.
“It’s normal to fight in relationships,” Wentzler says. However, there is reason (and bad) ways to do it, that is, if the goal is to solve the problem while maintaining respect. “When it comes to conflict, people really struggle to know how to resolve it. solve it constructively”Wentzler adds. Specifically, he notes that many couples avoid addressing their underlying issues, which can lead to dissatisfaction, mistrust, and more shouting matches.
Rather breaking up over “small” things or yelling extreme statements like: “You never Listen to me!” (which will likely cause the other person to shut down), a couples therapist can teach the couple how fight fairly so that each person feels heard.
“We can point out current challenges to communicating effectively and then help guide clients in learning the language and tools they need to engage in these conversations without emotionally harming each other,” Wentzler says. That way, problems are more likely to be resolved and feelings are less likely to be hurt.
4. One or both partners feel unappreciated.
In long term relationships, it can be easy to overlook the little things, like going on spontaneous dates or even just saying “I love you.” But getting into the habit of neglecting these sweet moments can lead to emotional distancing.
“Feeling that your partner does not see or hear you: those are the first symptoms warning signs that [people in the] Relationships are starting to drift apart.” Amanda Craig, PhD, LMFTauthor of Who are you and what have you done with my son?, he says to himself. This lack of appreciation can inspire people to seek out a therapist, who can suggest ways to reconnect, says Dr. Craig.
One simple strategy she uses, for example, is to challenge couples to be more intentional about maintaining eye contact and smiling, while chatting over dinner, for example.
It also encourages people to ask their partner how their day was (and genuinely listen to the answer), or even just greet them with a hug when they get home from work. “It’s these basic things that a lot of people take for granted, lose sight of, and need a little help getting back into,” Craig says.
5. There is no emotion.
Another common pattern in long-term relationships is to become a little also comfortable, to the point where the dynamics become predictable and perhaps boring. In that case, a professional can help by suggesting ways to make things feel a little More exciting again, Shavon Gaddyan AASECT-certified sex therapist in New York City tells SELF.
Some people, Gaddy says, might find that they want spice up your sex life.
Other potential ways to add novelty include sharing a new hobby or dressing up for monthly date nights, instead of ordering takeout and eating it on the couch. And even if a couple isn’t quite sure what exactly they’re missing, talking to a therapist can help them figure it out, Gaddy adds.
6. Disagreements about money are causing tensions.
“Financial problems can be a tremendous stressor on a relationship on multiple levels.” Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, a New York City psychologist tells SELF. Of course, “if a couple cannot afford the basic needs [like getting food on the table], can lead to lack of confidence and more tension,” says Dr. Romanoff. Even in financially stable relationships, differences in salaries and spending (or saving) habits can also cause tension, he adds.
While this may seem like a job for a financial advisor, a couples therapist can help too. For one thing, they can facilitate potentially uncomfortable conversations about money by encouraging more constructive (and kind) language, explains Dr. Romanoff.
They can also help people get to the root of the problem. because Talking about spending too much (or too little) is a challenge, he says. Maybe money was a secret topic in one spouse’s childhood, for example, or personal insecurities (like being embarrassed about credit card debt) get in the way of honest communication.
“It’s helpful to explore how couples discuss their finances and what barriers they have to talking openly about money,” says Dr. Romanoff. because to solve any To resolve a relationship problem, you first need a solid foundation of trust, as well as some healthy communication skills, he adds.
7. Lack of boundaries with authoritarian in-laws (or other family members).
Set boundaries with family could be In fact difficult, but sometimes necessary to protect a relationship. Perhaps the in-laws who offered to help care for a couple’s newborn. still appear without warning years later. Or maybe one partner doesn’t stand up to her grandmother, who gives him passive-aggressive criticism about how “disorganized” or “poorly decorated” the house is.
These types of problems commonly inspire couples to seek therapy together, Gayane Aramyana Los Angeles-based therapist specializing in relationships tells SELF.
In his own practice, Aramyan says he typically focuses on helping people find a middle ground, such as limiting family visits to once a month (or every two weeks) rather than weekly, or providing more support when a family member crosses the line. “It’s really about finding that middle ground and figuring out ways your partner can make you feel more comfortable,” Aramyan says.
When to consider couples therapy
According to many of the experts we spoke to, it’s not right for all couples, and therapy only works when both parties are willing to put in a solid effort. But if you are having trouble with a specific concern, such as longing for deeper intimacy or need more emotional support during a stressful time, a couples therapist is trained to help.
And even if there isn’t a major problem or crisis right now, a few sessions here and there can strengthen your connection and avoid serious misunderstandings and conflicts in the future, Bradden adds.
Realistically, however, not everyone has the time, money, or resources to consult a professional every time a problem arises. If you’re not sure, here’s a telltale sign that therapy could be a game-changer in your relationship: repeating the same argument over and over again.
This, Wentzler says, may indicate that one or both people feel misunderstood, and improving communication skills could make a big difference.
Another good indicator is whether one or both of you have been lying or keeping secrets about something serious (like cheating, for example, or having debt). “These betrayals can cause serious and lasting harm, and those wounds are not easy to heal without expert support,” Wentzler adds.
Ultimately, the choice is yours, but you shouldn’t feel embarrassed if you’re considering this route. Fighting for a worthwhile relationship requires a lot of effort and sometimes a professional on your side.
[ad_2]